i'm letting go.

the Lord is at work in my heart. moving within me. refining me. and it's not easy. it is hard. and its been painful. there have been tears shed. and some days have been filled with pure excitement because i have been able to rejoice about little promises God has provided me with. i know God's promises are true. and i have clung to that thru it all.

thru this season, God has been sovereign and has promised that even though things may be tough and trials may come- His plans for me is far more perfect than i could ever hope for or imagine. He is good and i have clung to the hope that thru these trials God's grace and truth will be shown.

so that is why i continue walking thru the mud. trudging thru the hard times... so that i can reach my place of goodness- the place where all the pieces of the puzzle come together and make sense. i will admit the more i surrender of my life, the more God continues to use me and work thru me... and thru this i experience more peace for the things that feel so out of my control.

more than anything- He keeps clothing me in grace. picking me up when i stumble and showing me beauty in places i thought there was none...whether it be thru scripture, a song, or sweet words from a friend.

take today for example. God used today to work and move thru me so that He could chip away another piece of my heart that has become hardened thru this journey. i started my morning off worrying. i have been struggling with the what if's. what if... i don't get the child life internship, i never become a child life therapist.... what if what's next for my life is becoming a mom- dare i question is being a mom enough!? i know... gasp. because i don't even believe that thought but the world has placed thoughts in my head that has made me think otherwise. but if i am real, these are legitimate thoughts that go thru my head on a daily basis. i worry about what people think. if they are judging me. am i making everyone around me happy. will people question our decisions. will they think that i just settled. am i really equipped to be a mom.... the laundry list of thoughts are endless. and when i reflect on them i cannot believe i have allowed the things of this world to consume and the lies of satan to consume so much of me.

though, the Lord is good and thru so many people the Lord has gently shown me and reminded me that His plans are good and that if i get to the end of this road and His plans are not what i thought they would be that is ok. because His plan is far greater than mine. and He continues to show me that thru so many sweet friends who have been blessed with the title of also being a mom- He has shown me thru them that being a mom is a gift. a blessing. and a job i would truly be so proud of to have if one day in the future i do get to call it mine. it is nothing i should be embarrassed about but grateful for. and i feel so blessed that the Lord has gentle enough to remind me of these things. and show me what His word says about being a mom.

so today i told myself... stop worrying what other people think. stop holding on- let yourself fall. God will catch you. and more than anything, thru my prayers i have asked God to make His plans clearly known for my life and to provide both reagan and i confirmation. whether that be thru getting the internship in child life. whether that be thru getting pregnant and becoming a mom. or thru being able to have the best of both worlds. just let it be. because no matter what i will be ok. i will not let worry and questions of "what if" consume me. i will allow Him to carry me thru this next season of life just like He has faithfully carried me thru this one.

friends. that is big. i never in a million years thought i would be able to say those words. i am letting go of my plans. and it is scary. because i am a planner. and this is never where i thought i would see my life. but i have fought so hard and long to try and make my plans my own and i have ignored at times the gentle tugs from the Lord about what could be next for me and what my heart knows is right. that is not something i am proud of, but i have. and i am tired, i can't fight it anymore. so i let God know today that i will be ok with whatever He has in store. and that right there is the Lord at work in my heart, and i am so thankful to Him for that.

my sweet friend reminded me today of how great it is to let go and let God move. those words were were something God knew i needed needed to hear, but more than anything God knew how she would  love me and her daughter today and so me what loving God in a real way thru real everyday life looks like. and to be honest, that was was what i needed more than anything. to see the rawness of everyday life as a mom. i was so grateful that she was real. and herself. and showed me that being a mom is a beautiful thing. and seeing her in her element with her sweet girl softened my heart even more. prepared me even more for what may be to come in my future. and i truly could see God shining thru her because in everything she did for her sweet girl she did with joy in her heart and was so grateful for the blessing of her child. so as i held sweet LK and rocked her in my arms my breath prayer was, "Lord give me the opportunity to love my child like I love this sweet girl." it was simple but God knew my heart in it. i have always wanted to be a mom- and nothing has changed about that. i am grateful that thru this season i have fought satan's attacks of telling me i need more - that the status of a mom is not enough.... because today i saw first hand that it is enough. and that it is so fulfilling. and so good for my heart.

so as i continue to walk thru this journey i will continue to pray that God's will be done. i will continue to pray that He keeps refining me. and i will continue to pray for what is to come- whether it be a baby, an internship or both - because the Lord knows and He makes all things beautiful.

so partner with me in prayer and ask the Lord on my behalf that whatever happens that reagan and i fully embrace whatever the Lord has next for us. because it will be good. and we are ready. we are excited to see the next chapter of our life unfold.  as we wait on the Lord, we know that during this time the Lord will continue to do a mighty work in and thru us - and we are confident that thru it all we will be better because of it.

i love you friends. and so does God. so focus your minds and hearts on the good He has for you- because He only wants His very best for you.

"Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."
—Philippians 4:7 (the msg version)