Ephesians 2:8-9, "For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, that no one should boast."

Thursday, November 14, 2013

this is me.

so many times in the past couple of weeks i have started to write posts- but have stopped because i can't seem to get my hands to type exactly what is on my heart.  that may be because my head is filled with worry and my heart is anxious or vice versa.

to be honest. i have had all these "fun" posts i have wanted to write to remember the good of this season, but have stopped because yes there have been happy moments in this season but there have also been lots of really no good.terrible.bad days. and some weeks the bad far outweigh the good. which downright sucks. and honestly i am just so over this season. i want to move on. make new memories in a new season. be on the other side. but i am not there yet.

so i have decided to not write because talking about the nitty gritty of this season hurts. makes me sad. is confusing. and i just can't seem to catch a break. or find the words to write. so i decided that painting an unreal picture just wasn't for me. but a friend today reminded me that as much as i want this season  to be over, i need to journal what i went through to get to the other side. so that i can rejoice about how God carried me thru and look back and be amazed by His perfect plans. so here i am.

this is me.  i am tired. i am worn. and quite honestly i am tired of trying to figure out what is next for me. if it is a job. if it is going back to school. becoming a mom. or who the heck knows what the other options could be. many days i beg for clarity. for God to have grace on me. for the fog to be lifted. some days i get a glimpse of the other side, and other days my vision is so blurred i feel even more buried under the weight of this season. there are days when all i want to do is cry and throw a pity party. and there are other days i just don't want to talk about this season anymore in hopes that it will just go away. i want to be done. but i know my time is not yet because God still has something for me.

one thing that has really bothered me in this season of figuring out life is that i have allowed myself to worry too much about what other people think of me. what they think of this season. and their opinion of what i should do. as the people pleasing person i am- this being worried about what other people think has really made life even harder for me. i am trying to please so many people- when ultimately the only person i should try to be pleasing is my Abba Father. why in the world do i care so much about what other people think? it's pathetic. and human. and a fault. that i am not proud of.

today i read a blog post by a sweet friend talking about seasons of life and God carrying you through. i have heard this so many times in the past couple of months. but today it brought on a new perspective. today it reminded me that even though i don't think God is hearing my prayers. He is. He is so faithful. so loving. so merciful. so true. and He is walking with me. and pouring grace upon me.  and because He loves me that much, i had to remind myself today to not give up. to keep going. and to let go. and let God carry me. because when i surrender He is able to do far more than when i build up walls.

so i am letting go. and with that brings so much insecurity. but i know it is for the best. and i fully know that God only wants the best for me. so i am breaking down the walls. admitting that my life and this season is messy and so far from perfect. and more days than none i am a hot mess. but i have so many people loving me through this season and praying for me. that i have no choice but to surrender it all so that the Lord can do a mighty work in me.  i know there are hard days ahead, but i am praying that His will for my life will be made known. that is all i want. to know with my whole being that i am doing exactly what God has called me to do. i am leaving my fear.worry.anxiety.and insecurities at the foot of the cross. Lord use me. just move me aside. and use me.

Lord, carry me. help me to see the good that will come of this season. and help me to remember that you are faithful always. pour your love over me.