This post is going to be very real (and probably really long) because today just sucked. Today was one of those days that I would love to go back to bed and wake up and start all over. Today I had to deal with stuff that I did not want to deal with and personally just did not have the patience to handle or the emotional capability.
Lets begin with the first crappy news I received today... I found out that another job I had interviewed for and did really well at the interview hired another candidate... I felt like a complete loser and failure when I got the email to say the least. When this part of the day occurred, let me just tell you I lost it. I started crying uncontrollably and didn't stop for some time. I felt like a crazy woman but I was mad and sad all at the same time and needed to let my emotions out. After I found out I didn't get the job I really wanted.... I started to panic. I started telling myself that something was wrong with me and that I just wasn't good enough. After about 30 minutes of this brutal beating I was giving myself I had a WOAH moment and couldn't believe I was allowing Satan to put such sinful thoughts into my mind.
Then after this moment occurred, I broke down yet again and just started praying... more like begging and crying out to God to show me open doors, to show me where He needed me to be, but more than anything to just allow me to hear His voice and feel His comfort. It took me a while to calm down but I finally did after much prayer and crying out to God. Today for the first time in a long time I felt out of control in every aspect of my life... my marriage (arguing lately with Reagan over the stupidest things is stressing me out), my job (I have no clue where I am supposed to be or the next job I am supposed to apply to), or what God will be doing with my life 2 weeks from now let alone months down the road. If God needed me to get to a breaking point I am here, calling out to Him needing answers. But honestly, more than answers I just need the peace of God to flow through me like it never has before. I am tired and I just need God to carry me... just for a little while until He can give me enough strength to pick up the pieces. Today, I clung to this verse: "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" --Exodus 14:14. I really think God demonstrated that to me today. Yes my world is a mess and so out of control... so I need to be STILL and KNOW without a doubt that my God will take care of everything for me because He loves me that much.
Today was a day that I didn't do much of anything, but I am emotionally exhausted. I need sleep, I need to recharge and more than anything I need to get a hold of myself and my emotions so that the bickering with my husband will stop--- I need the stress to go away so that I can feel just a little sense of peace. I need to stop feeling that everything that is out of my control needs to be blamed on someone (i.e. my husband) because quite frankly neither one of us can do anything right now to make the craziness that is engulfing me go away; all we can do is pray that God will ease the pain and stress that I am experiencing. My prayer tonight is that God will lift the burdens of stress from both of us so that we can both realize that deep down beneath all the stress we love each other so much... because more than anything we are both so stressed because we do not know how to fix all the craziness and it is driving us even more crazy! Even though our love language is not expressing "I LOVE YOU" right at this moment, I know deep down it is true... I know at the end of the day we would do anything for each other and today is just one of those days that we decided to be human and allow the stress to overcome us. So, my prayer for tomorrow is that God allows me to be more aware of my stress so that I do not take it out on my husband and to love him even more through all the craziness.
So I ask if you read this, please just pray. Pray for less stress, pray for better days to come and pray that in everything I do I seek God's will for my life and not try to figure things out on my own (If I am being real that is when things get so messy and I get so stressed). Also, pray that God begins to lift the burdens of stress that Reagan and I are under because I hate that so much for us. My prayer is that tomorrow God can help me love Reagan like He loves me even through the stress... because after the stress and craziness of life is gone all there will be is love to comfort us.
I hope everyone has had a better day then me because this has been one for the books-- one I had to document because I have never felt so out of control and an emotional basket case! I pray that once you are done reading this you all do not think I am crazy... to say the least it was just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
"Lord, I ask that you comfort my heart tonight. That you give me strength to endure through this time of stress, confusion and chaos my life feels like. I pray that in all things to come I seek You for Your guidance and wisdom; because above all else you are the Provider of peace and comfort, and You know each step of my life that is to come. Thank you for loving me through the happy and sad times... I am so undeserving of Your Love. Amen."
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