When I was a little girl, I can remember people always asking me what I wanted to be when I grew up. Most days my answer was, "I want to be a doctor." Other days, I would say that I wanted to be a "Mommy and a Doctor"... so ambitious at such a young age! Though, I remember that every time someone asked me what I wanted to be, I would always say that I wanted to help people. My heart has always been so big to serve and love on others... especially children- my heart explodes for them.
So, life went on, and I worked hard in school to get good grades so that I could get into a good college. When the time came for me to leave home and go to school, I embraced TCU with open arms and was excited for that next chapter of my life as a nursing student. As a nursing student I knew I could fulfill my dream of helping people. I was excited for the journey, but was not ready for all the unexpected bumps in the road that I would face. My junior year of college came, and too many circumstances caused me to have to take a semester break from school and get my life back to where it needed to be. At this time, I prayed more than ever and I just really felt like God was saying to me that nursing school was not for me at this time and that I needed to go and pursue my degree in child development and finish at TCU. Once I healed and got strong again and headed back in the spring. I was so excited for my child development courses and what God was going to show me through this major. In the four walls of those classrooms, I felt alive. I loved learning about all things children and could not wait for the next semester and classes. When I walked across the stage in May 2011, I was proud of my degree and who I had become and I was ready to work and help children.
Though, God had a different plan for me after I graduated and I ended up landing a job in the education system in San Antonio, Texas. I was really sad to be moving away from Fort Worth and all my dreams jobs that were there, but I clung to the hope that God had a plan far better than I could understand. As I sit here today, I am thinking about my time in the education system and how it has changed me and my views. I feel like I have helped people along this journey, but have not made the difference God has called me to make. Each day, I feel like I am searching for more... but I am not quite sure what that more is or what it even looks like.
More times than none, I think about all the things I could be doing and the things I would love to accomplish. I still have a heart to serve children but I am still wanting more.
There are many days that I pray about a direction and career for my life and I feel like God is calling me to go and finish the last semesters I have left in nursing school. There are also days that my heart explodes when I am talking with kids and families and a light bulb turns on and I can see myself doing counseling and/or social work and I am alive. There are also more days than none, that when I hold sweet babies that makes me want nothing more than to be a mom. I also have those days, when I search the Internet looking for the perfect job with a children's organization or non-profit because I have a love for that too. Through all these moments, when I hit the pillow at night, I ask God to give me a career that sparks my passion for Him.
As I sit here today, I have this feeling deep in my heart that in this next season of life I have to choose. I have to make a choice to go back and be a nurse, to go and get my counseling degree, to go and be the best mommy I can be, or to go and work for an organization and give it all I have got. With this choice comes so much fear - fear of failure, the unknown, what others will say or think about my decision, and if I have really heard God right and the calling He has for my life. I do not want to have a spirit of fear, so that is why each waking moment I am giving this to God. I feel I have so many big choices to make, and I do not want to make the wrong one. Though, I know that God has not brought me to this season for no reason- there is a plan and a purpose for my life. I have to continue taking it one step at a time and sooner or later I will see the magnificence of His plan for me.
At the end of the day, the one thing I know I want to do is help other people and love on them to the fullest. Whether that be helping someone feel better physically or emotionally or helping my child when they cry out in the middle of the night... all I want to do is help others and give this love deep within my heart to those around me. God has put me here for a purpose, and sooner than later I will find out why.
So, when I grow up, I want to be doing exactly what God has for me. Here is to praying for clear direction and the ability to sit still and listen to what God has for me in the midst of this chaotic season.
I would so appreciate prayers for this season of life. I know God is going to do big things, and I cannot wait to see what He has in store.
21 minutes ago