God Knew.

time has gotten away from me and it has been a while since I have had the time to sit and write - i have definitely missed it.

i don't even know where to begin.

for the past couple of years i have been on a journey/stuck in a season that has not been easy. i have been filled with worry, doubt, anxiety and a whole other mix of emotions. i have doubted myself, and i have doubted the plans the Lord had for me - i was stuck in so many ways and it was a horrible feeling.

i knew deep down in my heart what my passion was for my career- and that was in child life but since that dream was not coming to fruition and very hard to come by, friends and family started throwing things at me in which they thought i should do so i would have a career (looking back now i knew they were only trying to be helpful and wanted to see my happy, but it was hard hearing all their ideas and made my even more stressed and doubtful). but before long i started allowing their opinions to sway me and i found myself saying.... maybe becoming a child life specialist is not what God has for you, it is such a hard career to get into, maybe there is something else - and with that i started trying other things in hope that maybe a door would open and i would know what i was supposed to be doing...

i tried re-applying to nursing school - but did not find peace in that decision. i tried taking my teaching certification exam (thru my alternative certification) to become a teacher and my scores came up short yet again. i applied to countless jobs that i did not receive any calls back from (and one that i did, but reagan and i kindly said we were no longer interested - another story for another day). no doors were opening and i felt inadequate, embarrassed, a failure, and honestly most days just broken. i had no clue where my life was going and it was hard for me to see the success of others because i was so broken in my journey- i felt like the Lord had nothing good for me. which I knew wasn't true... but I just didn't know what His plans were for me and that was frustrating. and stressful. i had no control over the situation and I had to surrender and give it all to Him.

there were several times on this journey i can remember being on my knees both alone and with reagan praying for clarity. praying for me to have peace in my career and the calling that God had for my life.  there are times i can remember God gently reminding me to trust him and be patient - but it was hard when i felt like there was no end in sight. i was weary and burdened and i just wanted this journey to be done. i wanted my door to open. and i wanted it now. not 6 months from now. not a year from now. but now so this stressful journey could be over. once and for all.

all the while thru this journey God was refining me- thru bible studies, thru friends, thru sermons, and thru prayer. He was molding me for what He knew i needed to be.  most days i could not see it- because all the junk was blinding me, but looking back i had to go thru it all to be where i am today. more humbled, diligent in prayer and truly able to rest in my Savior and His plans.

He is faithful. and thru the yuck He provided me with an opportunity to substitute teach and love on children - which is my passion. it was not a glamorous "job" most days, but it kept me with kids and i was surrounded by people who loved me and cared about me... and from that avenue i made some incredible friends that i am so grateful for.

He also provided me with the opportunity to volunteer with a Child Life Specialist whom i adore and learn from her. she taught me how to love. be in the moment. and to think on my toes. she taught me that kids just need to be loved, and sometimes we feel like we don't know what to do because we have never seen this case in the hospital- but God knows and He will give us what we need. my time with her was humbling, filled with laughter, and i learned a lot. better yet - i have a friend who shares the same passions i have- i hope God will allow me to be on her team someday... it would be nothing but the best.

and even thru it all - the crying, the unknown, and the worry.... He provided me with the greatest opportunity- and that was applying for the Final Child Life Internship here in San Antonio at a Children's hospital. I never thought the day would come, but it did. and i was a nervous wreck getting my packet together. i worried it wouldn't make it there on time, that i had forgotten to include something, or that i wouldn't even be considered as a candidate... but God knew.

i waited for a phone call - and never got one. and i thought i am never going to get an open door and i will always sub. what a life. and then the call came. the hospital asked me for an interview. and i happily agreed. this is what i have been waiting for. this internship. this is the last piece of the puzzle i need before i can sit for the state examination and become a child life specialist. my life has been waiting for this moment for so long.

i was nervous leading up to the interview and the day of. but i just continued asking the Lord for His words during the interview and that if this was His will for my life that the door would open. the interview was late in May and it lasted over 2 hours. they asked me everything under the sun. looking back at the interview- there were times i felt i didn't have an answer when they asked certain questions and then all of the sudden the words just came and started flowing- that was the Lord. without a doubt. He knew just what i needed.

i left that interviewing praying this was my opportunity and thanking the Lord for being there with me. i left with a smile knowing i did my absolute best and that whatever happened would be the plans the Lord had for me. i was resting in knowing that He would take care of my every need. it was scary to give it all, but I knew if He had brought me this far i only wanted the best He had for me, and if this wasn't it there was something much better waiting for me. because God knew just what I needed when I needed it.

i waited weeks for a call. and as time passed i thought to myself - so many people applied for 2 intern positions what are the odds one of those spots will be given to me?! during the weeks of waiting, reagan and i considered what our plan a.b.and c. would be just incase i did not get the internship- the unknown and the wait was the hardest part of it all. but we just kept trusting in the Lord and giving it to Him. because He knows what we need far better than we do.

well yesterday the call i had been waiting for finally came. and with shaking hands and a shaking voice i answered the phone. it was the hospital and they were calling to tell me i had received one of the two intern positions!!!!!! words cannot even express how i felt in that moment.  my response to their offer was - Yes! Absolutely! I am honored!  i was fighting back tears on the phone with them and then i just let them flow.  i fell to my knees, overcome with emotion and just thanked the Lord. when i hung up the phone i cried uncontrollably. most of them happy tears. but more than anything it was gratitude to the Lord for carrying me thru this long season. there were so many days i thought i couldn't do it anymore and the Lord carried me. my God did that for me because He knew I needed to be molded and shaped so that I could get to yesterday and see the beautiful open door He had for me. my heart is still overcome with emotion. and thankfulness. and just pure awe of the amazement of the Lord and what He can do.  He knew all along just what i needed.

the last piece of my journey starts in August and i could not be more thrilled. this is what i have needed for so long to be able to start my career as a Child Life Specialist - and it is here. for this day i have prayed and many times never thought it would come, but it is here. and i could not be happier.

this summer my prayers are that i relish in this internship and soak up every moment - because the 15 weeks are going to fly by and i don't want to miss a moment. i pray for it to be a smooth process in submitting all the documentation needed to take the Child Life Certification Exam - so i can become an official Child Life Specialist. and i pray that once December comes that the Lord will open doors for a job to be available for me in Child Life at a wonderful children's hospital.  these are my prayers and i know without doubt God will help me thru each one. He is good. and i have seen His goodness in more ways than one.  and He knows just what I need. all.the.time.

thank you to all my friends, family, and my sweet husband who have loved me and prayed for me thru this difficult journey. i could not have done it without y'all. and when i didn't have the words to pray- you all prayed for me and for that i will be forever grateful. thank you for being my prayer warriors and helping me get thru this season.

for now i am going to enjoy my summer with friends and family. spend time with my Lord. and prepare my heart for all the children and families i will meet at the hospital come August. i pray that the Lord will use me in a mighty way. and i am confident that He will. because He has brought me this far. and i am grateful that i will be able to live out the desires of my heart daily - that is what i have always wanted and the Lord filled that desire.  He knew just what I needed before I ever knew.

wow!! look what God can do. far more than i ever thought or imagined.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6