God Knew.

time has gotten away from me and it has been a while since I have had the time to sit and write - i have definitely missed it.

i don't even know where to begin.

for the past couple of years i have been on a journey/stuck in a season that has not been easy. i have been filled with worry, doubt, anxiety and a whole other mix of emotions. i have doubted myself, and i have doubted the plans the Lord had for me - i was stuck in so many ways and it was a horrible feeling.

i knew deep down in my heart what my passion was for my career- and that was in child life but since that dream was not coming to fruition and very hard to come by, friends and family started throwing things at me in which they thought i should do so i would have a career (looking back now i knew they were only trying to be helpful and wanted to see my happy, but it was hard hearing all their ideas and made my even more stressed and doubtful). but before long i started allowing their opinions to sway me and i found myself saying.... maybe becoming a child life specialist is not what God has for you, it is such a hard career to get into, maybe there is something else - and with that i started trying other things in hope that maybe a door would open and i would know what i was supposed to be doing...

i tried re-applying to nursing school - but did not find peace in that decision. i tried taking my teaching certification exam (thru my alternative certification) to become a teacher and my scores came up short yet again. i applied to countless jobs that i did not receive any calls back from (and one that i did, but reagan and i kindly said we were no longer interested - another story for another day). no doors were opening and i felt inadequate, embarrassed, a failure, and honestly most days just broken. i had no clue where my life was going and it was hard for me to see the success of others because i was so broken in my journey- i felt like the Lord had nothing good for me. which I knew wasn't true... but I just didn't know what His plans were for me and that was frustrating. and stressful. i had no control over the situation and I had to surrender and give it all to Him.

there were several times on this journey i can remember being on my knees both alone and with reagan praying for clarity. praying for me to have peace in my career and the calling that God had for my life.  there are times i can remember God gently reminding me to trust him and be patient - but it was hard when i felt like there was no end in sight. i was weary and burdened and i just wanted this journey to be done. i wanted my door to open. and i wanted it now. not 6 months from now. not a year from now. but now so this stressful journey could be over. once and for all.

all the while thru this journey God was refining me- thru bible studies, thru friends, thru sermons, and thru prayer. He was molding me for what He knew i needed to be.  most days i could not see it- because all the junk was blinding me, but looking back i had to go thru it all to be where i am today. more humbled, diligent in prayer and truly able to rest in my Savior and His plans.

He is faithful. and thru the yuck He provided me with an opportunity to substitute teach and love on children - which is my passion. it was not a glamorous "job" most days, but it kept me with kids and i was surrounded by people who loved me and cared about me... and from that avenue i made some incredible friends that i am so grateful for.

He also provided me with the opportunity to volunteer with a Child Life Specialist whom i adore and learn from her. she taught me how to love. be in the moment. and to think on my toes. she taught me that kids just need to be loved, and sometimes we feel like we don't know what to do because we have never seen this case in the hospital- but God knows and He will give us what we need. my time with her was humbling, filled with laughter, and i learned a lot. better yet - i have a friend who shares the same passions i have- i hope God will allow me to be on her team someday... it would be nothing but the best.

and even thru it all - the crying, the unknown, and the worry.... He provided me with the greatest opportunity- and that was applying for the Final Child Life Internship here in San Antonio at a Children's hospital. I never thought the day would come, but it did. and i was a nervous wreck getting my packet together. i worried it wouldn't make it there on time, that i had forgotten to include something, or that i wouldn't even be considered as a candidate... but God knew.

i waited for a phone call - and never got one. and i thought i am never going to get an open door and i will always sub. what a life. and then the call came. the hospital asked me for an interview. and i happily agreed. this is what i have been waiting for. this internship. this is the last piece of the puzzle i need before i can sit for the state examination and become a child life specialist. my life has been waiting for this moment for so long.

i was nervous leading up to the interview and the day of. but i just continued asking the Lord for His words during the interview and that if this was His will for my life that the door would open. the interview was late in May and it lasted over 2 hours. they asked me everything under the sun. looking back at the interview- there were times i felt i didn't have an answer when they asked certain questions and then all of the sudden the words just came and started flowing- that was the Lord. without a doubt. He knew just what i needed.

i left that interviewing praying this was my opportunity and thanking the Lord for being there with me. i left with a smile knowing i did my absolute best and that whatever happened would be the plans the Lord had for me. i was resting in knowing that He would take care of my every need. it was scary to give it all, but I knew if He had brought me this far i only wanted the best He had for me, and if this wasn't it there was something much better waiting for me. because God knew just what I needed when I needed it.

i waited weeks for a call. and as time passed i thought to myself - so many people applied for 2 intern positions what are the odds one of those spots will be given to me?! during the weeks of waiting, reagan and i considered what our plan a.b.and c. would be just incase i did not get the internship- the unknown and the wait was the hardest part of it all. but we just kept trusting in the Lord and giving it to Him. because He knows what we need far better than we do.

well yesterday the call i had been waiting for finally came. and with shaking hands and a shaking voice i answered the phone. it was the hospital and they were calling to tell me i had received one of the two intern positions!!!!!! words cannot even express how i felt in that moment.  my response to their offer was - Yes! Absolutely! I am honored!  i was fighting back tears on the phone with them and then i just let them flow.  i fell to my knees, overcome with emotion and just thanked the Lord. when i hung up the phone i cried uncontrollably. most of them happy tears. but more than anything it was gratitude to the Lord for carrying me thru this long season. there were so many days i thought i couldn't do it anymore and the Lord carried me. my God did that for me because He knew I needed to be molded and shaped so that I could get to yesterday and see the beautiful open door He had for me. my heart is still overcome with emotion. and thankfulness. and just pure awe of the amazement of the Lord and what He can do.  He knew all along just what i needed.

the last piece of my journey starts in August and i could not be more thrilled. this is what i have needed for so long to be able to start my career as a Child Life Specialist - and it is here. for this day i have prayed and many times never thought it would come, but it is here. and i could not be happier.

this summer my prayers are that i relish in this internship and soak up every moment - because the 15 weeks are going to fly by and i don't want to miss a moment. i pray for it to be a smooth process in submitting all the documentation needed to take the Child Life Certification Exam - so i can become an official Child Life Specialist. and i pray that once December comes that the Lord will open doors for a job to be available for me in Child Life at a wonderful children's hospital.  these are my prayers and i know without doubt God will help me thru each one. He is good. and i have seen His goodness in more ways than one.  and He knows just what I need. all.the.time.

thank you to all my friends, family, and my sweet husband who have loved me and prayed for me thru this difficult journey. i could not have done it without y'all. and when i didn't have the words to pray- you all prayed for me and for that i will be forever grateful. thank you for being my prayer warriors and helping me get thru this season.

for now i am going to enjoy my summer with friends and family. spend time with my Lord. and prepare my heart for all the children and families i will meet at the hospital come August. i pray that the Lord will use me in a mighty way. and i am confident that He will. because He has brought me this far. and i am grateful that i will be able to live out the desires of my heart daily - that is what i have always wanted and the Lord filled that desire.  He knew just what I needed before I ever knew.

wow!! look what God can do. far more than i ever thought or imagined.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

stuck.

i meet with a group of women every wednesday night. they make me a better me. they push me to be better. to follow after God. to pray with deep desire. and to love like God has called us to.  they were purely God sent. and i don't know what my life would be like without having them encouraging me. loving me. and pushing me towards God's best the past couple of years. i am beyond grateful for them, their friendship, and their love.
this semester we decided to do the study, Stuck by Jennie Allen. y'all... WOW. is all i can say. it is pushing me. changing me. causing me to stop and think. and wanting me to give more of my stuck places of life to God. it is teaching me that with God... i am complete. enough. that His ways are perfect. that my life is not my own. that surrendering is the first step of obedience. and that by taking up my cross and accepting His grace daily, i am living a life of obedience.

this study has my mind boggled at times. each chapter is exactly what i need in this season. i am humbled. and on my knees in prayer that God would move thru me because of this study. every week, Jennie knows exactly what i need to hear and read. it is such a beautiful thing to read each page and see how God used her in her stuck moments to write this study. it is beautiful. and raw. and real. and just what i need. and i want her to be my friend, because she gets me. understands my thoughts and my heart. and i get her and i love her heart because of this study.

my prayer tonight as i finished the chapter for this week is that i would allow myself to die to Christ daily. that when i find myself buried in worry. fear. and anxiety that i will stop and surrender my thoughts to God and ask in prayer for Him to take captive of my heart and my thoughts. i want to be more like Jesus. i am only here for a short time. and in that time, i want to live out my faith to the fullest. showing others what it means to be a follower of Christ. i am not perfect. far from it. but i want to be better. i want to put Christ first daily, and die to myself. i want to let go of all my stuck areas so that i can experience the grace and love of God tenfold. it takes willingness... to move. to jump off the ledge. to go where others may think is weird. to be brave. and to live like i know Christ is calling me to live.

i am ready to allow God to move. and to call me for what i was made to do here on this earth.  He is good and i know the plans He has for my life are perfect in every way. so now is the time to allow God to stretch me and make me uncomfortable so that i can become more like Him. so that i am able to love like Him and extend His grace to those around me.  i am ready. my prayer is that each day i start with Him and stay focused on Him - because i know my days and life will be that much more fruitful because He is in the center.

are you ready to take this journey with me? it may be uncomfortable... but i know it will be so worth it.

"For we know that our old self was crucified with (Christ) so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin -- because anyone who has died has been freed from sin." - Romans 6:6-7

identity.

i had a moment in church today. an ugly crying moment where God just really moved my heart and began to tear down more walls that i have had built up for quite some time.  during this beautiful disaster, i let His words of truth wash over me.  something i don't think i have really allowed myself in quite sometime because i have been too distracted and burdened by the things of this world.

the sermon was on identity and the identity that Christ has for all of us - as a child of God.  it was something we have all heard, but it resonated differently today. because at the end of the sermon, one of our deacons got up and prayed scripture over us and then began asking us to really think about what defines our identity. he asked us to just be still and let God move and to pray that God would bring to the forefront of our minds what we really allow to defines us.  as the music played i prayed for answers and the tears just started to flow because all i could think about what i allow to define me is negative things... my past failures.fear.worry.anxiety.what other people think.... nothing that is from God. and that broke me. and it made me so sad because i have missed out on the beauty of so many things because of what my identity rests in.  he then asked us to pray and relinquish to God what our current identity rests in. i very willingly told God to take it. this was a bold move for me. because i have been carrying the burdens for so long that it has become easier to not acknowledge them than it has to work through them. but today - God wanted it to be different. so i prayed for Him to take it away. and He sweetly told me that in His time all things will be made perfect. that everything will make sense. and that i need to clothe myself in His grace during this journey because His love is enough. and for me to just rest in Him and place my worth in Him.  i cried some more. and Reagan just held my hand so tightly through it all.  some of my tears were tears of joy because i was letting the weight of the burden go, but others where tears for what is to come... the unexpected. i really realized today that when i walk in His truths, that is when His plans really begin to make sense and i am able to see the beauty in it all. i need Him. God knows my heart, but He also knows who He wants me to be better than i know myself and my life. so today i had a breakthrough. and i am proud of myself for letting the Holy Spirit move in me. this journey has been a process but one filled with valuable lessons. and the more i become like Christ, the more i begin to understand the will and purpose He has for my life.

so i challenge you to evaluate yourself and your identity.  is it focused on your family, your work, your past failures, your past goals and achievements?  God wants nothing more than for our identity to be solely focused on Him and Him alone because we are a beautiful child of God and He only has His best for us.

when we allow ourselves to be stretched and broken... God is able to move. i challenge you to let Him move mountains because we all have room to grow and be broken so that we are able to become more like Him.

be blessed.

more love. less judging.

i find myself sitting her tonight. guilty. guilty of judging others and not loving enough. it is hard. because as women, it just seems to happen... like the filter from our brain to our mouth is turned off 90 percent of the time when it comes to judging others. we know that it is wrong. and that it hurts. and i feel bad right after i do it. and i have to constantly remind myself that i have not walked a day in that woman's shoes. i have no idea why she is upset. or why she is raising her voice at her kiddos or her hubby. or why she looks tired and a hot mess. you just don't know. so then i have to ask myself... then why do we do it?  if we don't want others to judge us, then why do we judge others? because we are human. and imperfect. and flawed. we like to people watch. and gawk. and make off the wall comments and think up stories in our head about how their life is so perfect or how much better we have it then someone else. it is not right. it is pathetic.

instead of judging we should be loving. we should be looking at other ladies with the eyes of Jesus. loving them like He does. praying for them when they look like a hot mess instead of tearing them down with our thoughts. we were put here on earth to do life together. not alone. and the more we judge, the more alone we are going to be. so we need to love. and love real and love big. and make it count. because you never know what that smile or helpful hand can do for someone. it may just make their day. in a big way.

so go against the grain. start each day anew. and remember... you are not her. you don't know where she has been, what her day has been like, or what lies in front of her. so instead... just love her. love her right where she is at, just like Jesus loves you.

trust me... when you start trying to really make this change (which i have been trying to do). you will see a difference. and you will start viewing women in a new light. and it will be a beautiful thing. because we shouldn't be against one another we should be for one another. just think about it. and like my momma always said - "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." instead- just love. because we need more love in this world more than anything else.

1 Peter 4:8 "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."