Lately, More days than none, I have felt less than confidant and defeated. Let me start explaining...
Since March, I have been looking for a job in my career field (Child Development) here in San Antonio. Because of some unforeseen circumstances in the Education system here in San Antonio, I thought it would be best to spread my wings and look for my big girl job and really start my career. In my mind this seemed like it would not be a hard obstacle to accomplish. Well, let me tell you something... trying to find a job is not easy and extremely discouraging. Since March, I have applied to over 45 jobs... no lie. I have applied to everything from part time to full time to everything in between. I have applied for things that I am qualified for and things that I thought - "hmm I may get it.... by a long shot, but there is no harm in applying!" For many of these jobs I have received no feedback - which is extremely frustrating in and of itself. Though, for some of the jobs I have received emails back saying I am overqualified (something I thought an employer would never tell me) and they appreciated my time - please tell me how in the world you are overqualified for a job!? -- The one question I keep asking myself over and over. If you can't tell - I am frus.tra.ted. Any-who... I digress... so I have continued applying to jobs because I feel like I need something to do so that I can contribute to the Farish Fam (because let's be honest if I do not have a job, what in the world am I going to do with all the extra time....). and the more I apply, the more frustrated I get. If I could just get an interview, I feel like people could see the real me, because honestly paper does not do me justice. I just need one interview to give me some hope and boost my self esteem... everyone keeps telling me you just need ONE person to say "Yes" - well I need that ONE person.
Through this all, I have found myself in a season of uncharted territory. I have never been here before and it is scary. and very hard. I have found myself doubting myself, doubting my major (which I love) and honestly doubting if I am good enough. It is hard to put yourself out there and apply for everything under the sun and get nothing in return. I am tired of applying. I am tired of worrying. But more than anything, I am tired of wondering what is next. I want OUT of this season, but I know God is not ready for me to be done, and that sucks more than ever; I have never cried as much as I have since my job ended at the beginning of June. I am worried. and I want to stop worrying and feel the peace (which I have caught glimpses of) from God that surpasses all things and I am not there yet, so I have to keep going and learning through this season... and believe me it is not fun and much more harder than I ever expected.
Throughout this journey, many people have told me to consider applying to grad school or going back and finishing my nursing degree ... Lets be honest. I have thought about those 2 things a lot and have prayed. and prayed. and then prayed some more. at all hours of the day. and this is what I have come up with--- Reagan and I feel like grad school is a big commitment and a counseling degree takes ALOT of time to accomplish, and right now we feel like that is a NO and honestly I am ok with that. There is a lot we have planned for the next 3 years and sitting in a classroom 4 out of 5 nights a week just does not seem worth it. I may be wrong and God may show me that, but right now I feel confident with my answer being "No." Nursing school.. oh Lord where do I even begin. Over the last year, I have applied to so many schools to finish what I originally started at TCU and so many schools have told me my credits are not good enough.... I am being dead serious with you... my TCU credits are not good enough. Say What?! OH and as of Today, I am still waiting on a couple schools to get back to me and let me know if I can apply, when the deadlines are, and how long it will take for me to complete the program.... but honestly I am getting worn out. I just need there to be a light at the end of the tunnel in this department...a yes or a no. Because every time I feel like I am done, there is a little tug at my heart to keep trying, to keep researching, and a little glimpse of hope that maybe someone will say "Yes."
As I sit here today, I am not really sure what I should do or what is next. I feel like that one sentence describes the story of my life. Oh and I have turned into a weeping willow who is on her knees constantly in prayer because I have never felt so jumbled up inside. I feel broken, and I just want someone to say "Yes." "Yes" to a job or going back to school. Though, more than anything I want to feel a tug in my heart from God saying this is the plan He has for me, and I want to be able to push forward and leave fear behind and just do it. Because I know this is His best for me. But I haven't felt or heard anything from Him other than to keep praying in the season and that scares me more than anything.
I am scared and so unsure of where this journey is going to take me. Though from life tests before, I have learned that when I am in spiritual valleys God is molding me into who I need to be for the next season of life. As much as I get that I just want to be out of this valley... and see the plan but right now I can't. and it stinks. So I am holding onto the promise that God is faithful and that He has the very best in-store for me, even when I may not be able to see the next steps ahead that I need to take.
Through tears and a heavy heart, in this season I am praying for direction. for peace. for patience. understanding. and the ability to experience love from my Father like I have never felt before. Don't get me wrong... I am scared. worried. angry. and a whole lot of other emotions but I know that God only wants what is best for me, so I have to keep clinging to the hope that the Best is still yet to come.
This is my heart. and my world. right now. and as crazy and vulnerable as it all may seem, I need prayer. Prayer to make it through this season and prayer to know that even though I feel so alone and worried (every sec of some days), that God is there with me always paving the way for something far better than I ever imagined.
Thank you all for loving me through the good and the bad and the crazy vulnerable days.... I love you all more than you may know.
Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
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