a new year. a new chapter. welcome 2015.

As I sit and reflect on 2014- I am not really sure where the time has gone and how it could possibly be 2015?!  Reagan and I are grateful to welcome a new year - needless to say 2014 was a hard. rough. trying year for us.  We are ready to embrace change and see where God will take us in 2015.

Since August, I was consumed by my Child Life Internship that finished the first week in December.  The hours were crazy and with things we had going on in our personal lives- somedays felt impossible and that the end would never be in sight.  Though, on December 5th I completed the internship- 632 hours later.  It was a huge sigh of relief and I was so proud of myself for accomplishing this goal.  I learned so much over those 15 weeks.  I now in a waiting period to be approved for my Board Certification test for Child Life and pray that God opens up a Child Life Specialist job here in San Antonio (the Children's Hospitals here have been going thru a lot of changes- so I am a little anxious about finding a job).  Though, in the meantime, I will be studying for my Child Life Specialist exam, studying for more teacher certification exams, and continuing to sub while I pray God opens the door He wants me to walk thru.  This whole career thing causes me so much anxiety, but with all the other crazy life trials we have been thru this year I have learned more than ever that God goes before you and knows exactly what you need and when you need it- so I am clinging to that as I wait patiently for the Lord to provide.

Reagan has been busy with work and grad school online with Texas A&M.  He made a 4.0 his first semester- whoop! and is loving his classes.  He was invited right before Christmas to attend a 1 week leadership training course with the big bosses of his company- and while he was there found out that he will be receiving a promotion in the new year- God is good!  He was completely taken aback by this, but so excited at the same time because he will be putting to use things he is already learning in grad school.

Sweet Lyla (our precious pup) is doing great- we are so blessed by this pup.  We are really wanting to get her a puppy friend in the new year but we cannot decide on a breed. She has definitely made the worst days better with all her cuddles!

There were several moments in 2014 that I questioned whether we would make it to 2015.   It was beyond rough friends.  But I know more than anything, the only reason we were able to make it thru was by God's grace and loving mercy.  He carried us thru some of the darkest days, and placed the most genuine, God loving and fearing friends in our lives who carried us thru and prayed for us when we didn't have the words.  I will never be able to repay them for what they have done, so I just continue to remind myself to show and tell them how much they mean to us and how much we love them.  Cling to the people God places in your life- because they are there for a reason.  They laughed with us on the good days and held us and cried with us and prayed for us on the bad days.  These are our people, and we are so incredibly grateful to God for them- we are definitely better because of them.

As I sit here in 2015, I have decided that my phrase for the year is going to be "walk in God's grace."  God's grace is the only reason why I am where I am today.  He has heard my prayers and my cries over this last year, wiped my tears, and clothed me in His grace.  I want to continue focusing on His grace and love throughout this next year, and spend time in His word continuing to learn about Him and His unfailing gracious love.

My prayer for 2015 is that I live intentionally, love well, focus on the things that matter most, embrace where I am, discern the voice of God, let go of trying to control what I can't, pursue and date my husband, remind those who mean the most to me how much I love them, and live in the moment- the here and now.

This is a new year. a new chapter. a time to let go of the things I no longer want to hold onto, and embrace who God is molding me to be.  This is a new chapter of my book, and I pray this year I allow God to write the story as I walk with Him thru the day to day.  Because more than anything, in 2014 I learned that Jesus is all I need.  When I am broken, He is enough.

Praying you all have started 2015 will full hearts surrounded by people you love.

This is a new year, embrace what God has in-store.


With Love,

life can get a little crazy

our world has been crazy. crazy busy. jam packed full. with stuff. that sometimes i wish could be erased from the calendar - and the only worry in the world i had was spending time with my husband. but that's not life. far from it.

busy may not even really describe our summer. i don't even know what the word would be. our plates are full. really beyond full. our bodies are tired- and most days we wish there were more hours in a day.

we were able to cram in a couple of trips - really only one we were able to take together - oh Chicago how we enjoyed you! the others were work related (for the hubs) and i took a family vacay with my parents to Destin - it was beautiful but would have been even better with my partner in crime by my side.

on top of reagan being crazy busy for work- going here there and everywhere. and out of town what feels like more times than none. he also has me to deal with - and i can be a handful at times... along with grad school as a fightin' texas aggie. honestly i do not think that man knows what the word rest means. i am proud of him beyond words- and grateful for all the long hours he puts in and the hard work he does for our family. he truly is such a blessing to me.

so i try my best to keep up with reagan's schedule- all the while getting prepared for my final child life internship that starts august 25th. eeeek. i am excited and nervous and scared all wrapped into one. and if starting an internship wasn't enough - i took a leap of faith and applied to grad school - a masters in counseling. double eeeek. i may be crazy. but i thought what the heck, now is the time to pursue dreams - reagan is so busy i might as well be equally busy, and then when we are all done we can go on a really awesome vacation! haha.  i won't find out if i got in until the spring- but i was proud of myself for at least taking the step to apply- which was a lot for me. like big. God is moving y'all- and that makes me smile.

its funny, because as we sat and talked the other night- after not seeing each other for 2 weeks (hardest 2 weeks ever) we laughed because we honestly can't believe where God has us right now. so many new beginnings. so many unknowns. and to be frank... we both thought we would have a child by now. (seriously going on 9 years together in November and married over 4 years- we have known each other for a loooong time)... and as much as we both want that, i am not sure that is what God has for us right now. and honestly some days that makes me super sad. and other days i am totally okay with that. because i know that one day that dream of ours will come true. and we will get to hold our precious bundle in our arms and that will be pure bliss. more than anything this summer i have learned to trust and to just jump all in because God's ways are perfect. and my plans are so imperfect. and messed up. He knows. and that's what reagan and i keep reminding each other- He knows. He knows our hearts. and our desires. and what makes us happy and sad. He knows- and i have to trust that in his amazingly awesome and perfect plan everything will be as it needs to be when He is ready for us!

so we are trusting. and taking baby steps along these crazy journeys and continuing to share the desires of our heart with not only each other but our sweet Lord- because he cares so much. and i am grateful for that.

we are grateful for new opportunities. more time to date each other and focus on our marriage. more time to invest in others. more time to love people within our church. more time to laugh with friends. and more time to strive towards goals we set long ago for each other and ourselves.

i am grateful God chose me to do life with this man. it can be a little crazy. but it is our story- and i am seeing God in so many things. and that is beautiful. when you truly stop and admire the work of God, i am blown away.

so when you think of us- say a pray for all the craziness that is our life. for us to be bold and brave in our new journeys. and for us to never take our eyes off Him - because He is all we need to make it through to the next great thing He has in store for us.

love you all bunches.

God Knew.

time has gotten away from me and it has been a while since I have had the time to sit and write - i have definitely missed it.

i don't even know where to begin.

for the past couple of years i have been on a journey/stuck in a season that has not been easy. i have been filled with worry, doubt, anxiety and a whole other mix of emotions. i have doubted myself, and i have doubted the plans the Lord had for me - i was stuck in so many ways and it was a horrible feeling.

i knew deep down in my heart what my passion was for my career- and that was in child life but since that dream was not coming to fruition and very hard to come by, friends and family started throwing things at me in which they thought i should do so i would have a career (looking back now i knew they were only trying to be helpful and wanted to see my happy, but it was hard hearing all their ideas and made my even more stressed and doubtful). but before long i started allowing their opinions to sway me and i found myself saying.... maybe becoming a child life specialist is not what God has for you, it is such a hard career to get into, maybe there is something else - and with that i started trying other things in hope that maybe a door would open and i would know what i was supposed to be doing...

i tried re-applying to nursing school - but did not find peace in that decision. i tried taking my teaching certification exam (thru my alternative certification) to become a teacher and my scores came up short yet again. i applied to countless jobs that i did not receive any calls back from (and one that i did, but reagan and i kindly said we were no longer interested - another story for another day). no doors were opening and i felt inadequate, embarrassed, a failure, and honestly most days just broken. i had no clue where my life was going and it was hard for me to see the success of others because i was so broken in my journey- i felt like the Lord had nothing good for me. which I knew wasn't true... but I just didn't know what His plans were for me and that was frustrating. and stressful. i had no control over the situation and I had to surrender and give it all to Him.

there were several times on this journey i can remember being on my knees both alone and with reagan praying for clarity. praying for me to have peace in my career and the calling that God had for my life.  there are times i can remember God gently reminding me to trust him and be patient - but it was hard when i felt like there was no end in sight. i was weary and burdened and i just wanted this journey to be done. i wanted my door to open. and i wanted it now. not 6 months from now. not a year from now. but now so this stressful journey could be over. once and for all.

all the while thru this journey God was refining me- thru bible studies, thru friends, thru sermons, and thru prayer. He was molding me for what He knew i needed to be.  most days i could not see it- because all the junk was blinding me, but looking back i had to go thru it all to be where i am today. more humbled, diligent in prayer and truly able to rest in my Savior and His plans.

He is faithful. and thru the yuck He provided me with an opportunity to substitute teach and love on children - which is my passion. it was not a glamorous "job" most days, but it kept me with kids and i was surrounded by people who loved me and cared about me... and from that avenue i made some incredible friends that i am so grateful for.

He also provided me with the opportunity to volunteer with a Child Life Specialist whom i adore and learn from her. she taught me how to love. be in the moment. and to think on my toes. she taught me that kids just need to be loved, and sometimes we feel like we don't know what to do because we have never seen this case in the hospital- but God knows and He will give us what we need. my time with her was humbling, filled with laughter, and i learned a lot. better yet - i have a friend who shares the same passions i have- i hope God will allow me to be on her team someday... it would be nothing but the best.

and even thru it all - the crying, the unknown, and the worry.... He provided me with the greatest opportunity- and that was applying for the Final Child Life Internship here in San Antonio at a Children's hospital. I never thought the day would come, but it did. and i was a nervous wreck getting my packet together. i worried it wouldn't make it there on time, that i had forgotten to include something, or that i wouldn't even be considered as a candidate... but God knew.

i waited for a phone call - and never got one. and i thought i am never going to get an open door and i will always sub. what a life. and then the call came. the hospital asked me for an interview. and i happily agreed. this is what i have been waiting for. this internship. this is the last piece of the puzzle i need before i can sit for the state examination and become a child life specialist. my life has been waiting for this moment for so long.

i was nervous leading up to the interview and the day of. but i just continued asking the Lord for His words during the interview and that if this was His will for my life that the door would open. the interview was late in May and it lasted over 2 hours. they asked me everything under the sun. looking back at the interview- there were times i felt i didn't have an answer when they asked certain questions and then all of the sudden the words just came and started flowing- that was the Lord. without a doubt. He knew just what i needed.

i left that interviewing praying this was my opportunity and thanking the Lord for being there with me. i left with a smile knowing i did my absolute best and that whatever happened would be the plans the Lord had for me. i was resting in knowing that He would take care of my every need. it was scary to give it all, but I knew if He had brought me this far i only wanted the best He had for me, and if this wasn't it there was something much better waiting for me. because God knew just what I needed when I needed it.

i waited weeks for a call. and as time passed i thought to myself - so many people applied for 2 intern positions what are the odds one of those spots will be given to me?! during the weeks of waiting, reagan and i considered what our plan a.b.and c. would be just incase i did not get the internship- the unknown and the wait was the hardest part of it all. but we just kept trusting in the Lord and giving it to Him. because He knows what we need far better than we do.

well yesterday the call i had been waiting for finally came. and with shaking hands and a shaking voice i answered the phone. it was the hospital and they were calling to tell me i had received one of the two intern positions!!!!!! words cannot even express how i felt in that moment.  my response to their offer was - Yes! Absolutely! I am honored!  i was fighting back tears on the phone with them and then i just let them flow.  i fell to my knees, overcome with emotion and just thanked the Lord. when i hung up the phone i cried uncontrollably. most of them happy tears. but more than anything it was gratitude to the Lord for carrying me thru this long season. there were so many days i thought i couldn't do it anymore and the Lord carried me. my God did that for me because He knew I needed to be molded and shaped so that I could get to yesterday and see the beautiful open door He had for me. my heart is still overcome with emotion. and thankfulness. and just pure awe of the amazement of the Lord and what He can do.  He knew all along just what i needed.

the last piece of my journey starts in August and i could not be more thrilled. this is what i have needed for so long to be able to start my career as a Child Life Specialist - and it is here. for this day i have prayed and many times never thought it would come, but it is here. and i could not be happier.

this summer my prayers are that i relish in this internship and soak up every moment - because the 15 weeks are going to fly by and i don't want to miss a moment. i pray for it to be a smooth process in submitting all the documentation needed to take the Child Life Certification Exam - so i can become an official Child Life Specialist. and i pray that once December comes that the Lord will open doors for a job to be available for me in Child Life at a wonderful children's hospital.  these are my prayers and i know without doubt God will help me thru each one. He is good. and i have seen His goodness in more ways than one.  and He knows just what I need. all.the.time.

thank you to all my friends, family, and my sweet husband who have loved me and prayed for me thru this difficult journey. i could not have done it without y'all. and when i didn't have the words to pray- you all prayed for me and for that i will be forever grateful. thank you for being my prayer warriors and helping me get thru this season.

for now i am going to enjoy my summer with friends and family. spend time with my Lord. and prepare my heart for all the children and families i will meet at the hospital come August. i pray that the Lord will use me in a mighty way. and i am confident that He will. because He has brought me this far. and i am grateful that i will be able to live out the desires of my heart daily - that is what i have always wanted and the Lord filled that desire.  He knew just what I needed before I ever knew.

wow!! look what God can do. far more than i ever thought or imagined.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

stuck.

i meet with a group of women every wednesday night. they make me a better me. they push me to be better. to follow after God. to pray with deep desire. and to love like God has called us to.  they were purely God sent. and i don't know what my life would be like without having them encouraging me. loving me. and pushing me towards God's best the past couple of years. i am beyond grateful for them, their friendship, and their love.
this semester we decided to do the study, Stuck by Jennie Allen. y'all... WOW. is all i can say. it is pushing me. changing me. causing me to stop and think. and wanting me to give more of my stuck places of life to God. it is teaching me that with God... i am complete. enough. that His ways are perfect. that my life is not my own. that surrendering is the first step of obedience. and that by taking up my cross and accepting His grace daily, i am living a life of obedience.

this study has my mind boggled at times. each chapter is exactly what i need in this season. i am humbled. and on my knees in prayer that God would move thru me because of this study. every week, Jennie knows exactly what i need to hear and read. it is such a beautiful thing to read each page and see how God used her in her stuck moments to write this study. it is beautiful. and raw. and real. and just what i need. and i want her to be my friend, because she gets me. understands my thoughts and my heart. and i get her and i love her heart because of this study.

my prayer tonight as i finished the chapter for this week is that i would allow myself to die to Christ daily. that when i find myself buried in worry. fear. and anxiety that i will stop and surrender my thoughts to God and ask in prayer for Him to take captive of my heart and my thoughts. i want to be more like Jesus. i am only here for a short time. and in that time, i want to live out my faith to the fullest. showing others what it means to be a follower of Christ. i am not perfect. far from it. but i want to be better. i want to put Christ first daily, and die to myself. i want to let go of all my stuck areas so that i can experience the grace and love of God tenfold. it takes willingness... to move. to jump off the ledge. to go where others may think is weird. to be brave. and to live like i know Christ is calling me to live.

i am ready to allow God to move. and to call me for what i was made to do here on this earth.  He is good and i know the plans He has for my life are perfect in every way. so now is the time to allow God to stretch me and make me uncomfortable so that i can become more like Him. so that i am able to love like Him and extend His grace to those around me.  i am ready. my prayer is that each day i start with Him and stay focused on Him - because i know my days and life will be that much more fruitful because He is in the center.

are you ready to take this journey with me? it may be uncomfortable... but i know it will be so worth it.

"For we know that our old self was crucified with (Christ) so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin -- because anyone who has died has been freed from sin." - Romans 6:6-7

identity.

i had a moment in church today. an ugly crying moment where God just really moved my heart and began to tear down more walls that i have had built up for quite some time.  during this beautiful disaster, i let His words of truth wash over me.  something i don't think i have really allowed myself in quite sometime because i have been too distracted and burdened by the things of this world.

the sermon was on identity and the identity that Christ has for all of us - as a child of God.  it was something we have all heard, but it resonated differently today. because at the end of the sermon, one of our deacons got up and prayed scripture over us and then began asking us to really think about what defines our identity. he asked us to just be still and let God move and to pray that God would bring to the forefront of our minds what we really allow to defines us.  as the music played i prayed for answers and the tears just started to flow because all i could think about what i allow to define me is negative things... my past failures.fear.worry.anxiety.what other people think.... nothing that is from God. and that broke me. and it made me so sad because i have missed out on the beauty of so many things because of what my identity rests in.  he then asked us to pray and relinquish to God what our current identity rests in. i very willingly told God to take it. this was a bold move for me. because i have been carrying the burdens for so long that it has become easier to not acknowledge them than it has to work through them. but today - God wanted it to be different. so i prayed for Him to take it away. and He sweetly told me that in His time all things will be made perfect. that everything will make sense. and that i need to clothe myself in His grace during this journey because His love is enough. and for me to just rest in Him and place my worth in Him.  i cried some more. and Reagan just held my hand so tightly through it all.  some of my tears were tears of joy because i was letting the weight of the burden go, but others where tears for what is to come... the unexpected. i really realized today that when i walk in His truths, that is when His plans really begin to make sense and i am able to see the beauty in it all. i need Him. God knows my heart, but He also knows who He wants me to be better than i know myself and my life. so today i had a breakthrough. and i am proud of myself for letting the Holy Spirit move in me. this journey has been a process but one filled with valuable lessons. and the more i become like Christ, the more i begin to understand the will and purpose He has for my life.

so i challenge you to evaluate yourself and your identity.  is it focused on your family, your work, your past failures, your past goals and achievements?  God wants nothing more than for our identity to be solely focused on Him and Him alone because we are a beautiful child of God and He only has His best for us.

when we allow ourselves to be stretched and broken... God is able to move. i challenge you to let Him move mountains because we all have room to grow and be broken so that we are able to become more like Him.

be blessed.

more love. less judging.

i find myself sitting her tonight. guilty. guilty of judging others and not loving enough. it is hard. because as women, it just seems to happen... like the filter from our brain to our mouth is turned off 90 percent of the time when it comes to judging others. we know that it is wrong. and that it hurts. and i feel bad right after i do it. and i have to constantly remind myself that i have not walked a day in that woman's shoes. i have no idea why she is upset. or why she is raising her voice at her kiddos or her hubby. or why she looks tired and a hot mess. you just don't know. so then i have to ask myself... then why do we do it?  if we don't want others to judge us, then why do we judge others? because we are human. and imperfect. and flawed. we like to people watch. and gawk. and make off the wall comments and think up stories in our head about how their life is so perfect or how much better we have it then someone else. it is not right. it is pathetic.

instead of judging we should be loving. we should be looking at other ladies with the eyes of Jesus. loving them like He does. praying for them when they look like a hot mess instead of tearing them down with our thoughts. we were put here on earth to do life together. not alone. and the more we judge, the more alone we are going to be. so we need to love. and love real and love big. and make it count. because you never know what that smile or helpful hand can do for someone. it may just make their day. in a big way.

so go against the grain. start each day anew. and remember... you are not her. you don't know where she has been, what her day has been like, or what lies in front of her. so instead... just love her. love her right where she is at, just like Jesus loves you.

trust me... when you start trying to really make this change (which i have been trying to do). you will see a difference. and you will start viewing women in a new light. and it will be a beautiful thing. because we shouldn't be against one another we should be for one another. just think about it. and like my momma always said - "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." instead- just love. because we need more love in this world more than anything else.

1 Peter 4:8 "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."

Love Shack

this year, on loveeeee day, reagan and i really talked about how a holiday is fun to celebrate the person you love... but it is just a holiday and nothing else.  we really agreed that it is so important to love your spouse big all year long, not just on a silly holiday. a sermon at church a couple of weeks ago talked about love languages and loving your spouse how God intends for you to.  it was so interesting to hear reagan's heart and how he needs to be loved and how i need to be loved.  we both know each others love languages pretty well, but it was good to have that conversation and check ourselves and make sure we are loving each other how God intends.  so needless to say... we enjoyed loving each other that day and doing special things to celebrate the day, but we also enjoy loving each other day in and day out... these are the days that may not be so glamourous but it has made our relationship what it is today and our love has grown stronger because of it.

i am grateful that i get to love a man who loves me unconditionally flaws and all. he is so good for me and helps me remember what life should really be all about.... loving others and loving God. it is that simple. grateful to have him as my partner in this crazy life... God knew i would need him to walk each day with me!

pictures from our valentines weekend celebrations: 

me and my sweet hubs have spent a lot of love days together.... he has had my heart since i was a junior in high school! 

my sweet man found out where i was subbing on friday and hand delivered flowers... he goes above and beyond! 

three of my favorite things :) 

um, yes. he nailed it!!!! #lovemesomekendrascott

every valentine's day and anniversary we always get a couples massage... it's a little tradition we have and one i look forward to every year!!! pure relaxation! 

day after valentine's and we are still going strong... let's rodeo san antonio! 

if you have never been here go.now.... their cooking class are so fun and interactive! we loved it and want to go back again! 

plate #1 : pan seared scallops in a lemon cream sauce. melt.in.your.mouth.

plate #2: pan seared steak with a fennel salad that had a lemon vinaigrette dressing. yummo.

loving our cooking class! 

and for dessert... orange pot de creme. heaven.in.your.mouth. #thankgoodnessmychallengewasoverbecauseiconsumedthewholething! 

love this man and all the fun times we have together!

love big friends!  and let those around you know how much you mean to them day in and day out! 

this is my prayer.

as i continue to walk thru each day this song is on repeat in my head and my heart.
it is my prayer. and a lot of times it speaks for my heart...when i don't have the words to pray, i just sing this song over and over.  it is beautiful. and will always remind me of this journey. God's faithfulness. my refinement. and truly finding myself in all this mess... and truly listening to who God needs me and wants me to be.
so listen to the song. and then listen to it again. and just let the words wash over you. you will be blessed.

thank you Lord for moving and changing me from within, so that my faith may be strengthened daily.

Oceans. by United. listen to it. i know you will love it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw

much love,

gratitude

the Lord has shown me that I have a lot to be grateful for and I don't want to miss those opportunities of documenting my gratitude... because through the seasons of life there is so much to stop and be grateful for.

i love my Wednesday night bible study ladies.  they get me and my heart. and love unconditionally.  i have learned so much about God's word with them but also so much about myself. they are truly heaven sent.

i am grateful for a husband who cuddles with me in bed and prays each night with me before we go to bed. God is showing us it's the little things that keep us connected at the heart...

grateful for a dog who gives puppy kisses and follows me around 24/7... she is my shadow and i love that fluffy fur ball more than i ever thought i would.

i am also grateful for God's provision and His perfect timing.  He is opening doors that we never thought would open and it so awesome in watching Him move.

here is to gratitude... it is such a beautiful thing!

what are you grateful for today?

"Lord, thank you for stopping me today and allowing me to give you the thanks and praise for all you have done.  my heart is overwhelmed with the love and blessings you pour out to us daily.  You are so good. Amen."

i'm letting go.

the Lord is at work in my heart. moving within me. refining me. and it's not easy. it is hard. and its been painful. there have been tears shed. and some days have been filled with pure excitement because i have been able to rejoice about little promises God has provided me with. i know God's promises are true. and i have clung to that thru it all.

thru this season, God has been sovereign and has promised that even though things may be tough and trials may come- His plans for me is far more perfect than i could ever hope for or imagine. He is good and i have clung to the hope that thru these trials God's grace and truth will be shown.

so that is why i continue walking thru the mud. trudging thru the hard times... so that i can reach my place of goodness- the place where all the pieces of the puzzle come together and make sense. i will admit the more i surrender of my life, the more God continues to use me and work thru me... and thru this i experience more peace for the things that feel so out of my control.

more than anything- He keeps clothing me in grace. picking me up when i stumble and showing me beauty in places i thought there was none...whether it be thru scripture, a song, or sweet words from a friend.

take today for example. God used today to work and move thru me so that He could chip away another piece of my heart that has become hardened thru this journey. i started my morning off worrying. i have been struggling with the what if's. what if... i don't get the child life internship, i never become a child life therapist.... what if what's next for my life is becoming a mom- dare i question is being a mom enough!? i know... gasp. because i don't even believe that thought but the world has placed thoughts in my head that has made me think otherwise. but if i am real, these are legitimate thoughts that go thru my head on a daily basis. i worry about what people think. if they are judging me. am i making everyone around me happy. will people question our decisions. will they think that i just settled. am i really equipped to be a mom.... the laundry list of thoughts are endless. and when i reflect on them i cannot believe i have allowed the things of this world to consume and the lies of satan to consume so much of me.

though, the Lord is good and thru so many people the Lord has gently shown me and reminded me that His plans are good and that if i get to the end of this road and His plans are not what i thought they would be that is ok. because His plan is far greater than mine. and He continues to show me that thru so many sweet friends who have been blessed with the title of also being a mom- He has shown me thru them that being a mom is a gift. a blessing. and a job i would truly be so proud of to have if one day in the future i do get to call it mine. it is nothing i should be embarrassed about but grateful for. and i feel so blessed that the Lord has gentle enough to remind me of these things. and show me what His word says about being a mom.

so today i told myself... stop worrying what other people think. stop holding on- let yourself fall. God will catch you. and more than anything, thru my prayers i have asked God to make His plans clearly known for my life and to provide both reagan and i confirmation. whether that be thru getting the internship in child life. whether that be thru getting pregnant and becoming a mom. or thru being able to have the best of both worlds. just let it be. because no matter what i will be ok. i will not let worry and questions of "what if" consume me. i will allow Him to carry me thru this next season of life just like He has faithfully carried me thru this one.

friends. that is big. i never in a million years thought i would be able to say those words. i am letting go of my plans. and it is scary. because i am a planner. and this is never where i thought i would see my life. but i have fought so hard and long to try and make my plans my own and i have ignored at times the gentle tugs from the Lord about what could be next for me and what my heart knows is right. that is not something i am proud of, but i have. and i am tired, i can't fight it anymore. so i let God know today that i will be ok with whatever He has in store. and that right there is the Lord at work in my heart, and i am so thankful to Him for that.

my sweet friend reminded me today of how great it is to let go and let God move. those words were were something God knew i needed needed to hear, but more than anything God knew how she would  love me and her daughter today and so me what loving God in a real way thru real everyday life looks like. and to be honest, that was was what i needed more than anything. to see the rawness of everyday life as a mom. i was so grateful that she was real. and herself. and showed me that being a mom is a beautiful thing. and seeing her in her element with her sweet girl softened my heart even more. prepared me even more for what may be to come in my future. and i truly could see God shining thru her because in everything she did for her sweet girl she did with joy in her heart and was so grateful for the blessing of her child. so as i held sweet LK and rocked her in my arms my breath prayer was, "Lord give me the opportunity to love my child like I love this sweet girl." it was simple but God knew my heart in it. i have always wanted to be a mom- and nothing has changed about that. i am grateful that thru this season i have fought satan's attacks of telling me i need more - that the status of a mom is not enough.... because today i saw first hand that it is enough. and that it is so fulfilling. and so good for my heart.

so as i continue to walk thru this journey i will continue to pray that God's will be done. i will continue to pray that He keeps refining me. and i will continue to pray for what is to come- whether it be a baby, an internship or both - because the Lord knows and He makes all things beautiful.

so partner with me in prayer and ask the Lord on my behalf that whatever happens that reagan and i fully embrace whatever the Lord has next for us. because it will be good. and we are ready. we are excited to see the next chapter of our life unfold.  as we wait on the Lord, we know that during this time the Lord will continue to do a mighty work in and thru us - and we are confident that thru it all we will be better because of it.

i love you friends. and so does God. so focus your minds and hearts on the good He has for you- because He only wants His very best for you.

"Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."
—Philippians 4:7 (the msg version)

your past does not define who you are.

so today at church our pastor started a sermon series called, your future family.  and it got me thinking. and my emotions all twisted. and my heart full. it is going to be a powerful sermon series. but one thing Kirk said was, "it doesn't matter where you have been, or how you are raised - what matters is now and how you are letting God move in you and through your life." wow. yes. i can't go back and erase my past, neither can reagan. but we can make steps to make our future how we want it to be for us and our future kids. our past does not define us.  there is grace. and always room for change and improvement. even though we may feel weighed down by our past- we shouldn't because there is always grace. thank you Jesus. i am excited for this series. excited for what the Lord is going to teach reagan and i. because more than anything, we are trying daily to be Godly examples to each other and others. but more than that- we are trying the best we can to lay our foundation the way God intends for it to be - so that our future kids know what we stand for and believe. grace upon grace- is what will get us through. that and the love of Christ. and stepping into water and calling upon the name of Jesus to walk us through each day. amen.

i hope this encourages you friends... it sure did for me.

and then we ended church with this song... which is on replay out our house right now. listen. your heart will be full.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw

love y'all lots.

another year.... and more memories to make.

i sit here this morning a little speechless. another year has passed. wow. i seriously cannot believe it is 2014. where did 2013 go?!
to be honest, as reagan and i laid in bed last night after all the festivities - we both agreed we are ready to close the chapter on 2013 and see what 2014 has in store for us.... we have a feeling it is going to be a great year!

2013 was filled with much joy and hardships all wrapped into one.

here is a little recap:

• reagan received his new job doing corporate sales with a new oil and gas company. 
• reagan found out that he is going to be a fighting Texas Aggie... grad school here he comes. again. 
• we both deepened our relationships with friends and couple friends- and for that i am so grateful. 
• i was able to host women's bible study at my house this year- it was beautiful. and so raw and real. i love those ladies more than words. 
• i had a hard year, and am really looking forward to 2014. God has really pushed me this year to not settle less than the passion He has placed so deeply in my heart- and that is working with children and families... face to face. not behind a desk... but in the trenches with them. in the day to day. even though it has been hard, reagan and i both know, God is going to make his plan known when the time is right as to what my exact calling is- we are praying hard that sweet and perfect plan is revealed in 2014! 
• ok now for more happy stuff.... we went on a lot of fun trips- to the beach, to the lake and to fredericksburg. 
• our sweet friends welcomed their daughter, Gentry Renee- a precious bundle
• sweet landry kate was born- and is such a miracle and an example of how powerful GOD truly is 
• our sweet Staffel's bought their first home 
• and our life group grew by so many couples- whom we all love! and we became official members of our church... woohoo! 

so as we recapped last night- we also talked about what we know and hope is to come in 2014: 

• reagan will finish seminary. thank you JESUS! 
• he will start the masters of industrial distribution program in the fall 
• he has several goals he wants to meet for work this year
• i will take my teacher certification test for gen ed and special ed to have options in different fields to work with children- praying to the Lord that I pass- standardized tests are not my strong point. 
• i will start a class at the university of alabama (online) so that i am able to apply to a final internship for child life therapy here in san antonio for the fall- in hopes to becoming a child life therapist (one of my dream jobs)
• and we have some big life decisions to make... more on that later. 

so we are saying goodbye to 2013 and embracing 2014 for everything is has to offer! we are excited to see what is yet to come. 

Lord, thank you for your guidance and protection this next year... lead us into this new year with wisdom and your strength. let us feel your presence daily. we are so grateful for all you have given us. amen. 

love you all. hope you have a fabulous first day of 2014!!! 

pray.

so i am a listener. i always have been. i love loving on people. it is just who i am and it comes so natural to me. with being a listener, i also can be a worrier. i worry about my friends and family- thru the good and bad. i just want the best for them. all.the.time.
i have had several sweet opportunities to talk with friends this week and love on them. some of them are in such happy seasons of life- and we have rejoiced! and others are in hard places. and honestly for those sweet friends i had words to say, but i know my words can't change anything. only God can. and so i have found myself in prayer. at times even constant prayer. i have been praying for miracles, for relationships to be mended, for children to be healed. for God to give me the words to comfort my sweet friends. and for scripture to be placed on my heart that i can send to my sweet friends to remind them of His sweet promises.
with being a listener, and a worrier, i am also a fixer... i want to offer them a solution, i want everything to be ok. for no one to hurt. but i am slowly learning that I can't fix anything- only God can. all i can do is pray. love them where they are at. and just be the friend God has designed me to be.
it is hard to not fix. but i know it is the right thing to do. so i am learning to just be me and let God use me and work thru me.
so today i am grateful that God has promised that when we come to Him in prayer- He hears our every cry and knows are hearts most intimate desires. i am so grateful for that sweet promise- because some days i do not have the words. and that's ok. because it forces me to stop. surrender it to God and just pray the desires of my heart and trust God knows. because He does. what a beautiful thing.

i hope you all have a wonderful weekend.  it is freezing here in San Antonio (like in the 30's and we are under winter weather advisory), so we will be staying inside trying to stay warm. i am not complaining by any means- i needed a lazy weekend. :)

next week i plan on posting christmas pic decor- the house is finally decorated!

Philippians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

Psalm 145:18 "The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth."

so thankful.

as i sit here and reflect on this week with family and friends, i have so much to be thankful for.  truthfully, as reagan and i talked about all the blessings we have in our life, i got a little teary- eyed because so many times i forget just how blessed we are.  but God has truly blessed us beyond measure.

even though this last week was packed with crazy family stuff, and going here there and everywhere... deep down. i loved it. even though i complained from time to time about the hectic schedules and not being able to stay in my pj's for just one day- family is everything. and making memories is what we are meant to do while we are here on this earth.

we started our week off with a friendsgiving. and had two of our sweet couple friends come over. the fab six as we like to call ourselves. it was wonderful and our bellies were full by the end of the night. i laughed so much that my face hurt. but that is what it is all about. living the moments with the ones you love the most. our dear friends mean the world to us and we truly believe we are better because of them. they are our people.

tuesday, was laundry. and more laundry. and getting ready for jon (reagan's brother).  even through the mounds of laundry, i found myself grateful that i had a washing and drying machine to be able to clean and dry our clothes. its the little things people!

wednesday, jon came and the family festivities began.... and the rest of the week seems like a blur. with all your family being in the same city... things can get a little chaotic and complicated. but, we somehow managed to make it all work. i am exhausted but it is over and everyone had a great time! we ate too much, laughed too much, and drove too many places- but that is what the holidays are all about. good food. and even better company.

so as i sit here tonight, ready to start another week - i want to revel in this moment. i am tired but my heart is full.

we have a wonderful house. a doting and loving pup. family all within a short car drive. friends that truly are like family and would do anything for us. an amazing church. a wonderful lifegroup filled with so many great people. reagan has a job that he loves and a masters degree at a&m to look forward to. the Lord is filling my heart exactly how it needs to be filled in this season and i am so grateful for that- even though i may not yet have my dream job, i am still working with people (even the cute little ones) and having so many wonderful people pour into me and teach me what i need to be taught in this season. to trust and let God. and honestly, i can say i know God has great things prepared for me- and i am so excited to see the story unfold. because i have learned this is just a bump in the road and there are greater things to come. wow. i never thought i would be able to say that a couple months ago. maybe not even a couple of weeks ago. so i am so grateful that within just a matter of weeks the Lord has really used His people and His word to shine light in my life. i am humbled. and so grateful to be a part of his intricately and beautifully woven plan.

so take time to reflect. take time to give thanks. just take time to be with the ones you love. because at the end of it all that is all that really matters.

hug the ones you love. and make memories.

Lord, thank you for all that you have blessed us with and the blessings that are yet to come. Thank you for walking with us through each season of life and carrying us when some seasons seem harder than others. Continue to remind us daily how truly blessed we are and to never forget all that we have to be thankful for.  Amen.

Here is to all that we are thankful for, and looking forward to many memories being made this special time of year.

love you all!

this is me.

so many times in the past couple of weeks i have started to write posts- but have stopped because i can't seem to get my hands to type exactly what is on my heart.  that may be because my head is filled with worry and my heart is anxious or vice versa.

to be honest. i have had all these "fun" posts i have wanted to write to remember the good of this season, but have stopped because yes there have been happy moments in this season but there have also been lots of really no good.terrible.bad days. and some weeks the bad far outweigh the good. which downright sucks. and honestly i am just so over this season. i want to move on. make new memories in a new season. be on the other side. but i am not there yet.

so i have decided to not write because talking about the nitty gritty of this season hurts. makes me sad. is confusing. and i just can't seem to catch a break. or find the words to write. so i decided that painting an unreal picture just wasn't for me. but a friend today reminded me that as much as i want this season  to be over, i need to journal what i went through to get to the other side. so that i can rejoice about how God carried me thru and look back and be amazed by His perfect plans. so here i am.

this is me.  i am tired. i am worn. and quite honestly i am tired of trying to figure out what is next for me. if it is a job. if it is going back to school. becoming a mom. or who the heck knows what the other options could be. many days i beg for clarity. for God to have grace on me. for the fog to be lifted. some days i get a glimpse of the other side, and other days my vision is so blurred i feel even more buried under the weight of this season. there are days when all i want to do is cry and throw a pity party. and there are other days i just don't want to talk about this season anymore in hopes that it will just go away. i want to be done. but i know my time is not yet because God still has something for me.

one thing that has really bothered me in this season of figuring out life is that i have allowed myself to worry too much about what other people think of me. what they think of this season. and their opinion of what i should do. as the people pleasing person i am- this being worried about what other people think has really made life even harder for me. i am trying to please so many people- when ultimately the only person i should try to be pleasing is my Abba Father. why in the world do i care so much about what other people think? it's pathetic. and human. and a fault. that i am not proud of.

today i read a blog post by a sweet friend talking about seasons of life and God carrying you through. i have heard this so many times in the past couple of months. but today it brought on a new perspective. today it reminded me that even though i don't think God is hearing my prayers. He is. He is so faithful. so loving. so merciful. so true. and He is walking with me. and pouring grace upon me.  and because He loves me that much, i had to remind myself today to not give up. to keep going. and to let go. and let God carry me. because when i surrender He is able to do far more than when i build up walls.

so i am letting go. and with that brings so much insecurity. but i know it is for the best. and i fully know that God only wants the best for me. so i am breaking down the walls. admitting that my life and this season is messy and so far from perfect. and more days than none i am a hot mess. but i have so many people loving me through this season and praying for me. that i have no choice but to surrender it all so that the Lord can do a mighty work in me.  i know there are hard days ahead, but i am praying that His will for my life will be made known. that is all i want. to know with my whole being that i am doing exactly what God has called me to do. i am leaving my fear.worry.anxiety.and insecurities at the foot of the cross. Lord use me. just move me aside. and use me.

Lord, carry me. help me to see the good that will come of this season. and help me to remember that you are faithful always. pour your love over me.

It's the little things.

Lately, I have been reminded to live in the moment. Celebrate the little things.  Because the little wins can sometimes bring you the biggest joys...

Take today for example.  It was cold outside. In Texas. It was mid 50's and wonderful.  I have prayed for Fall weather to make its appearance. and it did.  This may seem silly, but PTL for fall!

I completed another day on the couch 2 5K app.  This is big people.  I hate running.  I would rather walk briskly. but my husband loves running.  So I do it so that we will have a "hobby" to do together.  He runs far ahead of me- and I try to catch up. which has yet to happen... maybe one day.  but I run because I know he likes it.  This is true love at its finest my friends.

I am cooking and making new things and enjoying time in the kitchen with my hubs.  I have always loved to cook but have been afraid to step out of my comfort zone with recipes.  Thanks to mixandmatchmama.blogspot.com and her Monday Meal Planning Recipes my kitchen will never be the same, our time spent working together in the kitchen has been fun, and my husband's tummy will always be full!  Thank you Lord for this precious time with my husband... continue to show me how I can better spend quality time with him and how I can love him more.

I am learning to truly embrace the season I am in.  This is big. and a process. but I am taking steps and trying to process how to understand where I am at.  It is weird and uncomfortable. but a growing experience non the less - and I cannot wait to see what is on the other side.  God's divine plan for us is such a beautiful thing.

I am realizing/experiencing God's sovereign Grace.  This message seems to be in everything I read. in all the conversations I have with friends. and in every Bible study I am doing right now.  Obviously God is trying to teach me something!  I am finally breaking down and realizing that His Grace is so sweet and nothing compares.  My imperfections are made beautiful thru His grace and love! Praise the Lord!


Friends, do not let the little moments pass you by... life is but a fleeting moment.  Celebrate the small things so that when your goal has been reached you can look back and see how God intricately laid the plans of your life before your feet.

Just Breathe.

I would apologize for being gone for so long. but if I am being honest, it has been intentional.  I needed a break.  A chance to gather my thoughts. About life. This Season. What Is To Coming. and Where I Am Going.  It's scary. and overwhelming. and exhausting. but on the days where I have learned just a little something. caught a glimpse of hope. I remind myself that there is a reason for it all.

When I found myself in this season, I knew it was going to be full of tests. trials. and areas that God was going to push me to grow. so, I have had to remind myself to breathe.  To take one day at a time.  That I can only live for today. not tomorrow. or yesterday. today.  That thought alone overwhelms me, so I remind myself again to take a deep breath.

I have begged for answers.  prayed for discernment - and I have been given little glimpses of hope. but I know there is still so much I must walk thru before it all makes sense. before I truly understand His plan.  So I continue to just breathe. and take one step after the other.

Life is not always fun. or easy. it is usually messy and chaotic. and I feel out of control most of the time. which I do not like.  it gives me anxiety. and worry. and everything in between.

The crazy thing is, God is teaching me to give it all to Him.  To take a step. Breathe. And let Him be in Control.  So much easier said than done. At times this path seems all too familiar- but I am learning what it really means to relinquish it all. to hold nothing back. it's hard. but it is something I know I have to do. to be the best me God needs me to be.

I will admit, I have been here before.  it is not fun to struggle thru a season, beg for answers, and ask for prayers from anyone who will listen. but I have been reminded time and time again, this is life.  things will make sense one day. just breathe.

Even though I feel like the season just keeps dragging on. and that the fog will never lift.  God has gently and sweetly reminded me that it will.  and through His reminders, He has placed on my heart to pray for my friends... who are going thru seasons too (good or bad), and that they need prayer on their behalf just as much as I do. They need to be reminded just as much as I do that life will be ok. God is sovereign.

We all must remember to breathe.

Take it in.  Focus your thoughts on the Lord. and let Him Lead.

It is not easy. But I have been promised that there will be comfort.  there will be peace.  and His plan is perfect.

So today, I am making myself stop. breathe. and voice my concerns to God. because He hears my cries. and knows my heart.  and He is the only one that can bring me out of this season.

This God–his way is perfect;the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. -- Psalm 18:30

Precious Bundle

Our sweet friends Teri and Nate welcomed there first little bundle of joy into the world this week - Gentry Renee!  From the minute I laid eyes on her, I could feel my heart growing even more to make room for that precious little girl.  She is beautiful and so tiny but there is just so much love in my heart for that little girl.  The night we left the hospital from getting to see our sweet friends and love on them, all I could do was thank God for blessing us with this family as our sweet friends.  I am so grateful to have them in the same neighborhood as us - just a short walk right around the corner.  God knew what He was doing when we both moved in and became fast friends.  We love them. and we would do anything for them... and we know deep down in our hearts they would do the same.  It is such a blessing to have friends like that who love the Lord and love you just as much.

Every time I have gotten to hold little G I have prayed for her quietly in my mind.  Prayed that she will know how much she is loved, how special she is, and how much God loves her.  I have prayed for Teri and Nate and that they will enjoy each moment to the fullest with their new bundle of joy, and that the journey into parenthood will be a smooth and beautiful transition.  More times than none, I just can't believe Gentry is really here... what a sweet miracle...we prayed for her for so long and now she is here!   My heart loves her so much and she is not even my own, I can only imagine the overwhelming joy I will experience when I am staring back at my sweet child... one day. that sweetness will happen. and I know I will be at a loss for words and so in love.

Meeting sweet Gentry for the first time... we couldn't take our eyes off her! 

Be. still. my. heart. 

First outing at church- sound asleep in Nate's arms! 

We love these three more than words.
What a Beautiful and Happy family of THREE! 

Lord, thank you for these sweet friends and the blessing of Gentry.  Continue to grow and nurture our friendship over the years, and help us to love them like you love us. Amen.

Good for my heart.

friend 1. A person whom one knows, loves, and trusts.

Last night I got time to be with one of my dear sweet friends whom I have not gotten to see in quite some time, and to be quite honest it has felt like a little piece of me has just been missing something.  When you get to see someone almost every day and multiple times in one day... you get kinda spoiled. and your heart hurts a little when the only communication you have with them is through text messages and phone calls... at least for right now in this season of life.   Do not get me wrong, I absolutely love those two things very much, and it has kept me connected at the heart with my sweet friend. but I need to see my sweet friend face to face and hug her neck.  Well last night that is exactly what I got to do with my sweet friend.  Hug her neck.  Eat some sushi.  Relax. Have a glass of Wine.  and Talk until the restaurant kicked us out. and then keep talking outside the restaurant until you realize you have 10 missed calls on your phone and multiple texts because the hubby is worried about where you are at since our dinner date started at 7pm and it is now 11pm at night. oops... for the phone being on silent! sorry I am not sorry.  The time that I had with my sweet friend for over four hours was well worth it and just what I needed. to be honest I could have used more time with her... there were so many more things we needed to talk about... but more than anything it was the time of truly being with her in person that I loved more than anything. but I will hold onto all the things I wanted to keep talking about because I know there will be a next time. very. very. soon. with my sweet friend.

There is just something about sitting with a sweet friend and talking about everything under the sun.  It does my heart good. It encourages me. and in the end it brings me peace... because the prayer of a friend is something that just cannot be explained.

As I get older I find myself needing that me time with my sweet friends more and more.  I need to bounce ideas off of them. and get their advice. and have them pray for me.  my heart just needs it because after those sweet moments I always feel better and encouraged.  But more than anything, as I get older I am realizing that God has truly blessed me with such wonderful friends whom I can call my sisters.  Without them I would not be the person I am... they just make me be a better me.

So, even though yesterday was crazy and the week has been hard, my time last night with my sweet sister friend was exactly what the doctor ordered.  I came home feeling fulfilled. and encouraged. it was just so good for my soul.

Lord, thank you for placing sweet sister friends in my life whom I can be myself with. laugh with. cry with. love fully. receive encouragement from. and give love and encouragement to.  They are all so precious to me.

For today I am grateful. and thankful. and counting my blessings that I have such  sweet sister friends who walk with me every day through the good and bad. that right there is true friendship love. 


Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times..."

Just Laugh

Do you ever find yourself sitting and reflecting on your day and you can only help but laugh because it has just been one of those days!?  That is where I am at people. Laughing.  Because it is a lot better than crying. and today has just been crazy weird.  So today I am choosing to laugh and thank God for giving me this laughter and trying to turn my crazy day into something positive.

So if you have had one of those days too. just laugh. let it out. heck maybe even laugh so hard you cry. I promise it will make you feel better.

Love you all and Happy Hump day!